The Miracle of Implanon

Birth control had become a major pain in the a** for me because last May I had an aura migraine (which was a lot like a stroke and landed me in the ER). Migraines, even just one ever, increase the risk of stroke for women on birth control pills by enough percentage points that no self-respecting doctor will prescribe the mainstream, estrogen-containing ones to me any more. When I went in for my annual in July, and the NP told me that I could never take Yasmin or anything like it ever again, I wanted to kick her in the shins.

The next simplest thing was to take progestin-only pills, or POPs. These are the old fashioned kind of pills, from the 70s. You have to take them at a very specific time of day or else it's time for some Plan B. That whole "take it the next morning if you forgot one" thing doesn't work. That sucked, but what sucked more was that I had my period almost continuously from September through November. So I went back to the NP that I wanted to kick, because as it turns out she really is a great lady. I was about to get an IUD, which ran me the risk of perforation AND debilitating cramps for months on end. Period all the time, or cramps all the time? Gee, I don't know, they both sound SO fun. Depo is not an option because it causes serious calcium deficiency and that's just no good. Modern America, and a woman can't get some decent contraception.

But then, the miracle occurred. NP Gloria, my new best friend, showed me this magical thing called Implanon, which is an implantable birth control (it goes in your arm, much like Norplant, but without all the scary problems). It's new in this country, but has been available in Europe for 10 years (we're only a little slow on the uptake here). And it works for three years, and I don't have to do a thing after it's in. Sign me up, I tell NP Gloria. The only catch: check to make sure my insurance covers it, because it's $658. No problem.

But then, the meanies at Anthem Blue Cross tell me that Implanon is not a generic drug, it's not a brand name drug, it's this *other* category called non-formulary. So I cooked it in my basement, I ask the guy? No, it's just non-formulary [which, by it's very construction, means "without a formula." I swear, insurance is so f***ed in this country] he tells me. I try to reason with him that Implanon is a trade name, it is, in fact, a brand name drug. But there's no reasoning with insurance drones. I almost cry, because I don't have $658 kicking around.

Saved again: Mom says she'll pay (she's utterly and totally paranoid that I'm going to have about 6 babies RIGHT NOW). Nevermind that I assure her I won't, she is worried. Gloria orders up the implant, and I go to the health center to be the first CU student to subject myself to this new thing. It's a little scary, and I could have problems, but I'm willing to be a guinea pig.

Well, I got the implant. And I LOVE it. Absolutely LOVE it. I don't have to take a pill every day, it's more effective than sterilization, I can have sex whenever I want, and I haven't had my period for TWO weeks. Which, unfortunately, is miraculous. With a little luck, I'll start having it only a few times a year. (My mom did say to use back up protection when I'm ovulating, just in case. And I told her it's more effective than sterilization. I told you she was paranoid.)

To ice the cake, they are giving me the implant for free, because I was willing to submit as the first person to have it done by NP Gloria and at the health center, and because my insurance is butt-headed. Three years of miraculous, fabulous, baby-free life, for free. Hence, the miracle of Implanon.

P.S. if you want to know more, here is the website for the product.